“It hurts my feelings when you say no” is emotional manipulation.
This conversation is blowing up and blowing minds on Threads this weekend and I’m writing about it. It’s interesting the ways people are justifying expressing negative emotion in response to a no. They use some important phrasing that indicates at least some level of entitlement.
People are saying they need to…
“Address the issue”
“Fix the problem”
“Resolve the situation”
“Change the behavior”
Collectively, this group sees a problem with the word no. It’s a situation and an issue to be resolved. It’s bad behavior that needs to be addressed.
Feeling rejected is normal for people who center their experiences in a way that doesn’t account for others. When you believe everything is about you, it’s hard to see how it might not be.
When I invite a friend to have coffee with me, I naturally feel a pang of hurt when she says no, but I’ve spent a lot of time working through what made me focus on my hurt and not the reality of the situation—she can’t or doesn’t feel up to it. She may be too tired to go out today, or she may have a scheduling conflict. And she doesn’t have to disclose these things to me. It’s especially kind of her to do so, but she is not obligated to give me a reason. It’s about her. And making it about her takes away my hurt.
But there was a time when I centered myself in her experience and made it all about me. She doesn’t like me, she’s too busy for me, she cares about other people more than me, etc. I never would have said anything but if I had, it would have been manipulative.
Listen to this episode with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Nat LaJune to listen to this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.
