The cafe is bustling after the first real week of sunshine we’ve had this Spring. It’s more crowded than usual, so I’ve taken a smaller table in the corner to leave the bigger ones for larger parties. As I’m writing, I feel eyes on me. I can’t tell you how I know they’re looking my way, other than to say there’s energy pointed at me. It’s louder than the energy from all the others, with their minds elsewhere.
Do you know the feeling of someone talking to you over a crowd? There are dozens of conversations happening at once, you can’t see them and they don’t say your name, but you know it’s you they’re talking to. It’s because their energy is pointed at you. Before they even speak, you can feel their energy. Energy is loud when you know what it feels like and you’re listening for it.
This morning I felt it. I felt two women directing their energy at me. I don’t always pick up on it, but when I do, I rarely doubt it anymore. I looked up from my coffee and omelet, and yep. Both women, blonde, unsmiling, looking right at me. Brief eye contact and a smile, and I went back to my coffee.
I’m still new to reading energy. I don’t always know what I’m feeling or where it’s coming from, but I know when it’s not mine. I recognize the feeling it gives me, the emotion behind it. Sometimes it’s sad, or judging, and sometimes it’s overflowing with joy and excitement. This is the loudest energy. You’ll always know this energy when you feel it. You’ve probably been in someone’s energy before and felt that their excitement was contagious.
I believe we can all read energy, but we don’t always understand that’s what we’re doing. I was reminded of this again this morning when I had a vision of a text message pop into my mind. It was one of the early messages I received from B when we were just getting to know each other. We had just had our first date and he was going to be at my house for the first time. He texted, “I am excited to be around your energy again tomorrow!!”
Maybe it was the two exclamation points or my intuition, but I felt something strange when I read it. I took a screenshot of it and circled that part. Then I filed it away in a folder I had for him. I keep notes about moments which I feel intuitively will be significant and I want to remember these details. After so many years of gaslighting, I struggle with memory, so I record the smallest things so I don’t forget them. I kept this, but told myself it was probably nothing. In the moment, it was just a slight cringe. I didn’t understand energy yet, it just felt odd.
But today, with this vision bringing it back to my mind, I posted it to Threads with the note, “The red flag I won’t miss again.”
I didn’t mean it as a negative thing, as in B was a terrible person. I meant only that it had been something to watch for. I felt my intuition tugging at me that day to pay attention to what he said. It wasn’t that I thought he was manipulative or toxic at all, but that energy would be important. And it was.
I was reading his energy the whole time we were together. In the same way I could feel those two women looking at me this morning, I could feel him each time he was leaning in or pulling back—even when we weren’t together.
I have a photo of me sitting outside the fitting room at Target. We had a habit of texting each other selfies now and then because we were long distance and it felt like we were closer to see each other. Just a photo and a quick note about what we were doing and how’s your day.
When I look at that photo, I’m pulled back into that energy, his energy of panic and fear. I had intense butterflies and was distracted as my kid was shopping for who knows what. I didn’t understand in the moment that I was feeling his energy, not until he texted back. He confirmed his energy was apprehensive about us. He was starting to have doubts. He didn’t say it outright, but I felt in his words that he was overwhelmed with school and kids and life and he wasn’t in a position to have a relationship. And a few days later he ended it.
We had talked about his avoidant side though, so I asked him if he just needed more space, and we agreed to pull back on the daily texting and phone calls. We were good for another couple of months. I’d pull back when I felt his energy getting nervous again and then he’d come toward me. It was a dance. I wrote a poem about it. I was getting to know his energy and learning to lean in when he wanted me and hang back when he was overwhelmed. I didn’t mind it, letting him lead. But eventually it got to be too much for him and he ended it for good.
I say his comment in that early text is a red flag now because it points to a common scenario for a lot of people that I didn’t understand back then. I’ve even done this to people myself. We meet people all the time who are on different energetic levels from us and we either bristle at their energy, or we’re energized by it—or in some cases we’re a match and it’s easy, calm, and relaxing.
When we meet people whose energy makes us feel good, we naturally want to be around them. But we also naturally want to return their energy. We want to remain in their company so we try to emulate them to some degree. But what happens when there’s a mismatch and one of you can’t keep up with that energy? Very often one will drain the other. If you’ve been drained, you’ll feel it when you separate. You feel depleted, like you need a break from them. If their energy overwhelms you and you feel like you can’t reciprocate you may start to feel unworthy of them.
I’ve had times when I feel really great after being around someone and I’ve started to self check, to make sure I was reciprocating authentically. It could be that they were giving me more of their energy than I was returning to them. It can be small things like getting their opinion about something, but then tuning out when they have something to share with you. Or it’s soaking up their praise without offering any in return, or offering false praise you don’t actually believe but feel obligated to give.
People pleasers beware, your inauthenticity is felt if not known. This is the trap of the insecure. There’s an obvious need to give back to this person whose energy is so magnetic, but if you’re not really feeling it and you’re faking it, you’re still draining their energy and neither of you may know it. You may just feel weighted afterward and not know why.
Some people think this simple statement is a compliment, and that’s what I told myself in the moment. Even as I tucked away the screenshot, I told myself I was being silly, he’s just a great guy being nice. He likes me. I like him. No big deal. But as I’ve been learning more about energy the last couple of years, I’ve come to understand how important it is to find people who are a match.
I use an analogy of money. If someone said, “I am excited to be around your money again tomorrow,” would that make you feel something? If they were excited about the things you can buy them, would that feel like a compliment? I don’t think it would. I would wonder about their financial state. Can they take care of themselves? Will they be leaning on me to pay for everything? Are we equals energetically? Can they replenish me when I share my energy with them?
B was right in the end, hard as I tried not to see it then. He couldn’t give me what I needed. He couldn’t replenish me. He would always be taking. He meant well. I know he never wanted to hurt me, and I think that’s why he ended it. But he knew he didn’t have it in him to give back all that I was giving him. I had so much surplus overflowing from my heart space, and he was barely hanging on within himself. He had very little to give and what he did have wasn’t always authentic.
Most of the time, people who drain you of your energy don’t realize they’re doing it. It’s a general state of being in which they look externally for others to meet a need of theirs. Most of us have done this at some point, so it’s good to talk about it. And a red flag doesn’t mean it’s pointing to danger, but maybe a trigger, something to heal so we can be better.
How people drain energy
consistently negative, complains a lot
always a victim, they don’t seem to want to change their situation
dependent on others emotionally but offer little emotional support
inauthentic, trying to be something or someone they’re not
overflowing with praise in a way that feels fake
makes you feel guilty or insecure about yourself
How to prevent energy drain
remain compassionate, they’re always trying to get a need met
set boundaries for yourself
put your own emotional well-being before theirs to protect your energy
limit your time with people who drain you
encourage authenticity, be a safe place for them to be real with you
own your own flaws (when someone complains about another, I’ll say, “I’ve done that too,” or “I’ve been there, I get it.”)
The last few years, I’ve had to learn how to protect my energy and it has a lot to do with not engaging with certain types of communication. For example, I know I have a history of people pleasing, and there are pressure points that get my energy. Gossip is one of them. When a friend of mine wants to talk about someone else, I often will go along to get along. I’ll listen to her complain and then nod and go along because I don’t want to upset her. But this is inauthentic, so it drains me. So to counter this, I’ve had to develop the strength to stand up to it gently, by guiding the conversation back to a place of empathy and care for this other person who isn’t in the room and can’t defend themselves. It can be as simple as saying, “That’s really none of my business.”
Setting boundaries for myself preserves my energy and reminds people who interact with me to do the same. If you have experience reading energy or feeling depleted from an energy drain, tell me about it in the comments.
Love is in the dance
The gap between us
Closing fast
Make it last
Take a
Chance
Holding on
To me and
Not what's
Passed
p66, 📕 Love Makes Life Listen
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