Back in 2024 I had a series of videos I called “photogate” after I inadvertently sparked outrage on TikTok. I made a video about how I thought it was a bit of a red flag to find a man disinterested in photos of me or us together. People were defensive. But it helped me gain clarity around something I was just beginning to hit on back then: radical autonomy.
I was going through old photos from my married days and noticed again and again how few photos there were of me. What I could find of me were mostly selfies I’d posted to social media or a professional shoot I once did with the kids. In this video I talked about how sad I was that there seemed to be so little evidence I had been in that family for 20 years. Someone looking in might see a single dad with his three kids. Maybe he had a girlfriend (or perhaps nanny) who appears occasionally.
The video took off and strangers snapped back at me. They said I must be looking for an annoying paparazzo who never puts down the camera. It was in those conversations I realized it wasn’t actually about the photos. Though I miss having candid moments of my life, it was really about his desire to capture moments of me. It wasn’t a photographer I was lacking, it was a man whose heart was in the same place as mine. Because I love to capture life and look back at it. I’m simply attracted to the same in a man.
I don’t want someone who knows I like photos and pulls out his camera now and then to appease me. The photos should be his idea, to capture his own life and me as a part of it. A man who doesn’t care for a photo will only raise the camera and shoot with no forethought. But a man who wants a photo for himself will be thinking about frame and light. He’ll take care in what he’s capturing so he gets a great photo.
If I’ve learned one thing about people, it’s that we’re happiest and healthiest when we’re doing what we want to do. Anything coerced won’t be produced with the same energy as what comes of pure desire.
I’ve met quite a few men since my divorce and I’m learning what it feels like when he wants me and when he doesn’t. I’m not hurt by a man not wanting me anymore. I’ve healed anything tied to self worth. I get a little disappointed if he’s interesting and I don’t get to explore him further, like a good book I have to put back. But putting myself in his shoes, if I’m not interested in a man, I appreciate a clean break. So I release them back into the wild and watch for a man for whom desire is reciprocal.
It’s in this space I remember all the conversations I’ve had about consent in the bedroom. I tell husbands every day, “It’s only sex she doesn’t want. She still wants you. Until you make it a problem, and then it’s you she doesn’t want.” A relationship fails the moment you’re going against yourself to please someone else. Relationships break down from resentment. And it’s autonomy that protects a connection from resentment.
